As a phrase, sibling rivalry sounds clichéd enough, but as a real life situation, it is something that parents should be aware of, and expect. Any counsellor will tell you that a relationship should be fostered and allowed to evolve. Adjustments, ‘give and take’ are needed even between mature adults. When the relationship is between two small children, it has to be handled all the more delicately. Unobtrusive monitoring and firm guidance will be needed.

Early childhood years form a period when the little ones are just beginning to evolve as individuals and are yet to find their feet. The heart rules the head and they are emotionally vulnerable. Jealousy can be a traumatic, all-consuming feeling. And if you spot any traces of it, nip it in the bud.

An older child’s feelings of resentment and insecurity may start as soon as Mommy brings baby home. Mommy spending more time with the new-born, Daddy rushing home early from work to be with the baby, friends dropping in to admire the little one, could all spark off a simmering resentment towards the younger sibling. If unchecked, this could later spill over to teen and even adulthood. Parents should step in to smooth matters over and ensure that such feelings do not unsettle the older child.

“When my second child was born, being a young mother I was naturally over protective of the new-born, often reminding the elder one (who was nearly 3) to move away, don’t come rushing in, don’t hold the baby too tight, don’t make noise in this room etc etc.. till my ‘very wise’ father intervened and had a heart-to-heart talk with me. He handed over the baby to my Mother for caring and told me to concentrate on the 3 year-old to whom each of my instructions would seem as if I no longer wanted him because of the new born! He also said that at the infant stage all the baby needed from me was milk. The love and caring could be given even by the grandmother. So my son moved back into my room while the baby moved into my parents’ bedroom!

I was stunned by the change which happened overnight when the elder one started being more careful, quiet around the baby and joined me whenever I played with the little one! I’ve shared this learning with friends and 2nd time mothers ever since, as I found it worked so well for me!” says Jane Miller.

At a later stage, the younger child may often have to cope with the elder sibling’s ‘I’m older so you better listen to me…’ sort of bossing around. Being always told what to do, showing off and being bested at games etc. are problems the younger child may have to cope with.

Teach them to respect each other. “I tell my son, who is 6 that, he can learn a lot from his 9-year-old sister. And he realized that he actually could,” recalls Praveena. Of course, there are days when they just want to call it quits with each other! But, the good and bad days sort of balance out, she adds. I also tell my daughter to give in to her little brother occasionally, just to make him happy. And in her good mood days, she does, without complaints,” says Praveena.

Siblings may or may not share similar characteristics and interests. They could turn out to be radically opposite in every way and yet share their own special bond.  But the important thing is to make sure that you do not damage that relationship in an attempt (however inadvertent) to encourage some sort of competition between them. Never compare one child with the other or praise one unduly in front of the other, even for fun! This may sow the seeds of discord at an early stage. Praise and reward them together.

A practical way to tackle sibling rivalry would be to find a few common interests and channel them into such activities so they can learn to bond. Instead of making the younger sibling follow the older one, it would be wise to look for some common ground where they can work or play together occasionally, while giving them enough space to develop as two separate individuals with varying interests. There is no real need for two siblings to spend all their time together or become overly dependent on each other.

Taking sides in their little spats is a definite no-no. Even if one of them is clearly in the wrong, do not make it obvious and scold him in front of the other. Things can be put across tactfully once tempers have cooled. A golden rule may be to ignore minor spats and allow them to sort it out themselves.

Finally, don’t be partial to one or play favourites. Both of them should be dear to you and to each other. Just let them know it often enough. Help develop their individual, independent personalities and at the same time, foster a strong bond between the siblings that they can fall back on.You may have observed that siblings, who fight like cats and dogs at home, quickly close ranks when an outsider enters into the picture. A younger brother rushing to the aid of his sister against a playground bully, or an older sister speaking up for her little brother who’s vocabulary is still a little lispy is not an uncommon sight! So rest assured that the deep bond does exist. Your job is to help it to evolve naturally into a strong, life-long feeling.

So you’re glowing (again) in anticipation and getting ready for your second innings!…that second baby you always wanted but had to wait for, so that your first child was given undivided attention for a few years at least.

Most couples seem to prefer a two to three year gap between the first child and the next. Around this age, a child is physically ready to start some sort of a play-school routine, and is able to do a number of things on his own, which gives the mother some respite. It is important at this point, however, to give some thought to the emotional state of your two or three-year-old, and his ability to grasp and accept the new equations within the family.

While the thought of a cute little baby at home is acceptable to most, the realization that the focus of attention has shifted away, may leave the poor child bewildered and left out. The onus is entirely on the parents to see that this does not happen. Make your child part of the whole excitement process. Tell him about the pregnancy when you first tell your family and friends. Of course, you have to explain what that will mean to him and how much you are depending on his help to take care of the baby. The most important thing to do here is to talk to your child about it as much as possible. Throw in some imagination when you do that!

‘I consider my ploy a psychological master-stroke,” laughs Vidya, who has the advantage of being a student counsellor. “When I realized I was expecting my second, I started a bed-time story series for my five-year-old, in which a brother-sister pair went through incredible adventures, where the brave older brother always saved his little sister from all sorts of dangers and earned the gratitude and admiration of all and sundry….by the time the series ended and the baby arrived, big brother was all ready and waiting with his protective hero-act!”

Jaishree, a bank officer, prepared her three-year-old for the arrival of his baby sibling by showing him pretty pictures in advertisements in the magazines of a radiantly smiling daddy and mommy with two children. “I also kept him updated on which of his friends had or were about to have a baby brother or sister. The idea was to plant in his mind the thought that a families do have more than one child.”

However, this is only phase one. Once the novelty of having a new family member dies down, there could be tantrums and irrational behaviour from your older child, of course depending on his age. But that’s when you must involve him as much as possible in the baby’s daily routine. Rama, a homemaker recalls, “I realized that my three-year-old daughter was very upset when I went in to a room to feed my new born son. I immediately stopped locking my door and let her walk in and out whenever she wanted. She was curious initially, and wanted to know why she couldn’t be fed too. But after some explanations, she realized it was not very interesting and let it go. In fact, she’d guard the door too and would not let anyone else inside!”  Involve your older child in as many activities as possible – make him fetch and carry the baby’s things, help pour water or stand by with a towel during baths, distract the little one during meals, and generally keep watch over the baby.

Bindu, who has an older daughter of four years, and is now nursing her two-month old baby girl has a very pertinent point to make, “When friends drop in to see the baby and are fussing over it, I make it a point of telling them how my older one helps look after her little sister and how she loves her dearly while the baby can already recognize her ‘Akka’ and has a special smile reserved for her only. All this has to be mentioned within hearing range or in the presence of the older child. Just watch her glow with pride! This way I feel that a healthy bond can be established, and a positive attitude takes over.”

Once the initial acceptance stage is smoothed over, the bonding will set in automatically. Every new movement, action or syllable uttered by the baby will be looked upon with pride by the older child, with the feeling that he is helping the baby grow and learn more. Remember, how a child accepts a younger sibling will depend a great deal on the parents’ attitude and behaviour. Emotional preparation before the baby arrives and a proactive role afterwards are necessary. Never make your older child feel that he is less important, for whatever reason. A healthy relationship and strong bond must start from the womb, literally!

The next time you visit a newborn; don’t forget to carry a small gift for the older sibling too. A little consideration will go a long way to smoothen matters between the siblings.

….What we say is important, but, how we say it conveys the message better!

Yes, the “how” does matter as much as the “what” when it comes to communicating with your child (or with anyone else, for that matter)! Have you noticed how the word “please” works wonders when it comes to getting things done? The same holds good for your child (well, at least it should help somewhat!), especially when they are in that stubborn mood, with that look on their face, all set to make life hard for you. That’s when you want to throw your hands up and give up! But, hey, stop!

Take care, because they are observing you closely, watching every move you make with those beautifully deceptive, innocent baby-eyes, and taking in every little thing you say and do – be it what you say aloud, or convey through your body language.

Experts refer to communication as a specialized skill, but for a parent, communicating with the child comes with an added responsibility, as it is not just getting a message across, but also developing the little one’s personality in the process. So watch the way you communicate with your child; it will go a long way in evolving your relationship with him and also building up his self-esteem and personality.

Here are a few pointers from Dr. Mangala Ayre, an expert on early childhood development that you could try to follow.

Develop a dialogue with your child. Do not communicate TO your child. When we communicate WITH the child (not just instruct), we encourage a dialogue or discussion.
Use plain and simple language. Use short sentences. Repetition helps the child to grasp words and meanings easily.
Encourage responsive conversations. For example, if the baby says, “Teddy“, then the mother can say, “I have not seen Teddy today. Wonder where he is?  Do you want to play with Teddy now?”
Repetition through rhymes and songs enables easy flow of language and enhances vocabulary for babies as they grow older.
Be free with sounds and words. Help them to express freely without fear of correction, or being teased. The child should be allowed to use his own vocabulary for his personal needs. They will outgrow their baby-talk all too soon, so enjoy it while you can, without trying to correct him all the time.
Never talk down to the child as this may give him a feeling of insignificance. Also, do not point a finger while speaking to him. This gesture may give the impression that he is being scolded.
Encourage his story telling, singing, composing and dialogues with pretend friends, his toys, inanimate things or with himself. When he is alone, his guard is down and he speaks freely, while his imagination runs riot and he learns to play on his own.
Expose him to good language, tone of voice, and body language which go with certain distinct verbal expressions: A hand shake with a hello! or a hug with “ I love you.”…all accompanied with a smile. (Notice how most little ones learn to say “Bye bye and wave their little hands even if they don’t say the words!)
If a child hears stammers and lisps in the early years, they could develop a tendency to innocently mimic what they hear.
Talk lovingly, firmly and distinctly with your child. Dramatise the words if possible so he gets the meaning easily. Word-associations form an integral part of his skills at this stage. Clap when he uses a word correctly, or when he composes and makes a full sentence.
Communicate with your silence sometimes so that the child understands body language. Just your eyes and facial expressions can say much to your little one. He also begins to use this technique subtly when something personal between the two of you has to be communicated in a crowd, or when noise levels are high.
Reading and listening will help enhance a child’s vocabulary. This in turns develops a child’s confidence levels, enabling him to communicate his feelings and needs much more effectively.

Finally, make sure that you teach them the magic words – PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY – simply by using them regularly yourselves!

WOOOSH! Is that a bird, is that a plane?

No! It’s Mommy rushing to catch the guilt train!

There’s a lot of woooshing going on nowadays, what with poor Mommy being torn between the pressures of home, family and very often, a profession. She’s in a mad rush most of the time. (Incidentally, this article is dedicated to the ‘mad-rush mothers’ and not those bionic ‘super-woman’ species who keep their cool and poise even in hair-tearing situations!).

Knee-jerk reactions and spur-of-the-moment words and actions result in the inevitable guilt-trip aftermath. This article is just to remind these poor Mommies that they are only human and cannot be expected to keep their cool and say and do the right things always. And to more importantly, assure them that they have oodles of company everywhere.

Each mother starts out with loads of good intentions and an equal baggage of rules and regulations on how to bring up a child happy, and well-balanced. How far the child is willing to cooperate is anybody’s guess. Most importantly, gauging the child’s emotional needs and reactions accurately is the most challenging responsibility of all. What works for one child may not, for another, even if they are siblings. There are those sensitive, soft types (yes, they do exist!) for whom a sweet smile and gentle reminder is sufficient. And then there are those devil-may-care types (yes, yours and mine!) who need a vigorous, high-decibel, song and dance before they so much as twitch an eyebrow leaving you completely drained and remorseful, to boot. For many unfortunate Mommies, it may be a daily routine, to even get the most basic chores done; like getting the child out of bed, taking a bath or getting ready for school on time.

Mothers under pressure tend to do things they are not proud of; say things that they don’t really mean or overreact to something quite mundane. Later, they end up feeling bad at their own behaviour which was unnecessarily harsh or as childish as their ward’s.

Agreeing, Meera recalls, “I used to get hyper whenever my elder daughter became clingy and I had a younger one to handle. She was in her ‘terrible two’s, and my son an infant. It made me feel terribly guilty afterwards, but I kept reminding myself that it was a difficult but passing phase for both of us,” she adds.

Parenthood also tends to bring out hidden facets of our personality that we never even knew existed – that aggressive, domineering attitude powered by a high-pitched shriek. Afterwards, you wonder, was that really you?  “When I have one of those sessions with my kids, I often wonder where that came from. I feel terrible about it later,” says Poornima.

The little darlings (or is that devils?) just love to test your threshold, don’t they?  Doesn’t all this make mommyhood seem difficult? Well, it’s surely not easy! The more important thing is to make sure that your child understands that you mean business, and you understand that you are only doing what is best for your child.

Finally, to all those mommies caught in the throes of doubt and guilt.  Please understand that you are only human. You may make mistakes, you may lose your temper, you may even scream at your child. But make sure you cool down quickly. Make sure your child understands that you are only doing it for his own good and that your love is unconditional and you are always there for him. Never let your child go to bed without a reassuring hug and kiss.

After all, you are Mommy – the embodiment of LOVE!

“Kids can be your best teachers” – Anshu Mittal Roy, Chief Research Scientist, Orchid Pharmaceuticals

As a Chief Research Scientist with a specialisation in Oncology research and development, Anshu Mittal Roy, 39, apart from her routine at work, has a lot of reading to do to stay updated with the research developments across the globe. While she catches up on the reading bit at home, she ensures that her time with her five-year-old son, Sarthak Roy doesn’t get affected. Anshu talks to us on how she manages to get through her long day at work and spend quality time with her son who goes to Vaels Billabong School till 3 pm; after which he goes to Amelio Child Care (after school care).

All parents want to see their child  face this big bad world with loads of confidence. Taking a few conscious steps early in life  will help them reach there.

A research study in the UK suggests that fathers are happier when they do more of the housework themselves, spend longer time with their child and have working spouses! Are Indian dads anywhere close?

 Poornima Kavlekar – a working mom writes…

Experts suggest that setting children into a predictable routine enhances child development. But try as you might, potty time for your little one just does not work in a routine! So what do you do? Well, read on to get a few tips on making this just a little easier for yourselves.

“Outsourcing small tasks at home can give you a lot of time to spend with your children!” says K S Soundara Devi.

1. I love it when you keep hugging and kissing me. I don’t think I can ever get too much of it!

2. It’s okay to be strict with me. In fact, it’s probably better for me. I may not always like it, but I’m sure I will be glad in the long haul.

3. Don’t give me everything I want. Sometimes I ask just to test you and see how much I can get.

4. I get confused when you keep changing your mind. Please be consistent, especially when you are disciplining me.

5. There are things that scare me which you might not understand. Please try. Don’t tell me I am being silly.

6. Don’t be upset when I say “I hate you”. It’s not you I hate, but your power over me.

7. I love to ask questions. That’s the way I learn. Please don’t make me stop asking you.

8. I know you love me and don’t ever want to see me hurt. But it’s alright to allow me to make my own mistakes and face the consequences. Sometimes it’s the best way for me to learn.

9. Please don’t make promises you know will be difficult to keep. I feel really bad when you do and when the promise is broken.

10. I love you very much. You are the most important person in my life. And I love everything you do for me. But most of all, I love it when we just have fun, play and laugh together. Thank you for the fun times we have together.